Edges cut

Early this morning I have come to the realization that you can hurt by helping. What was once a desire to lessen a burden had in fact taken on its own life and as a result had the effect of excluding others from helping you rather than your initial desired effect.

It's hard not to play the hero. It strokes your ego, I know it does mine. But along with this hero-martyr mentality comes a sense of I am alone. Nothing could be further from the truth but you get caught up in the false nobility of this.

People can only be relegated to second tier status for so long before they look at you and tell you, "You are hurting me and others in many ways." You have no response because frankly there isn't one. Through this sustained self-imposed crusade you have put yourself and others in, you have not helped anybody but have pushed a source of assistance too far away. You become so focused on the end result you trample important things underfoot.

What to do when you have a made a royal mess of things? You could further detach from the reality of the situation and say to yourself,"After all I've done." Just saying, or in this case typing, these words feels so wrong. You could say,"I just need to work even harder to show how much I care." No, that is wrong also because you are perpetuating the behavior that brought on such a negative outcome.

So this is what I came up with. Tell me what you think and this is where I connect it with SL. Thanks for your patience btw.

When I was out in SL yesterday, I noticed this club had chims rolling on the ground. As I went through the above, pondering this and pondering that I came to a conclusion. I need to do other things rather than being a work horse and pushing myself to the breaking point. I need to be a guy that smiles more, a guy that who actually looks like he appreciates the his wife and kids, a guy who doesn't lay the law down to his kids like some frontier marshall. I need to lose my fucking edge.

I can look back at my upbringing and say yes this is why, yes there's some overcompensation, etc. But its all bullshit to be honest. I'm here and I'm now. The moments I have f'ed up are forever gone. I can't get them back.

I turn it over. I can't risk my future and that of my family any more. I take the hero-martyr hat and place it in the open orb, I place the Wyatt earp mentality and its High Noon Dad badge into the open orb, I put the end result fixation with all its loose wiring into the orb, I put the crappy looks I wear on my face into the orb. But most importantly, I need to grab the edge, duct tape all the edges to bluntness and place that in the orb and close the door.

I seal the orb up and hold it aloft. I offer it up and ask for help. I can't be that person anymore. I can't feel so tired that I fail to hear, see or feel something wonderful that somesone says or does for me. I watch as the orb rises and disappears into the heavens. I take a deep breath and hope its not too late.....