Last night was a night that as a parent I dread. My youngest was in the grips of asthma hell and I was down a partner. When stuff like this happens, and it does happen in the world of parenting, you become accutely aware of how much of a partnership parenting truly is. The event itself is bad enough but then you have to make that phone call that you know is going to kick up your partners emotions becuase they are away from their baby. Ok, he's 4 almost 5, but the bond between my wife and her kids is a force of love I have not witnessed prior to marraige and parenthood.
The feeling of being helpless in any scenario just sucks. No other words suffice. You look down on your child and want to make them better with a blink of an eye. It doesn't happen that way unfortunately. I rocked him, massaged his back, spoke in soothing tones. I tried everything in my arsenal to no avail.
I left the ER in frustration at being told that it would be a 3 hour wait. They didn't even triage him to check his O2 level. We are doing many haiku in my English class and I wrote this down on a scrap of paper. It was to focus my brain on something else rather than increasing anxiety.
Gasping for air now
Little chest struggles for air
How Spring contains pain
The ER was pure horror show. Our healthcare system in our country is a shambles when it serves as the only venue of healthcare for so many women and their children. Yeah, it was packed. But thats another blog topic. What an environment. I also wrote this Senryu about the ER. I'm sure it is applicable to ER's found everywhere....
Room of no coverage
there is no emergency
just hurt, pain and hope
Well I have an appointment @ 4:00 to get my precious one to. How many people don't have that option, don't have the money for medication and will have to endure all the feelings that I felt on a nightly basis for a indefinate amount of time? I can see light at the end of the tunnel, other parents operate in the pitch black of hopelessness. As I snuggle my soon to be healthy boy and kiss his forehead you're damn right they will be in my prayers...
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Life's Rich Pageant
Humans are interesting. We can be majestic, self-sacrificing, alturistic, petty, duplicitious, self-centered, rationalizers without peers, and just downright hateful. One person can even have several good and bad points co-exisiting concurrently. I guess that is the human condition. Its RL and its the other one also.
Lemme lay some RL on you. I teach, do you really? LOL, and have had the pleasure to get to know a person with whom I share some commonalities. This person was our baseball coach this year. Had a very successful year but had the unmitigated gall to suspend, for the remainder of the season, some of his best players because they were involved in some criminal activity. As a result they lost some games and quickly bowed out of the playoff picture. Maybe I'm nuts but I think he did the right thing.
How was this stand supported? A storm of controversy engulfed this man and his family. He was cursed during games, one drunken buffon threatened him physically after a game, and the piece de resistance? His 5 year old son answered the phone and was cursed for being his fathers son. Little guy went up to his dad and said, "Why did some man on the telephone call me*************"?
What goes through people that they dissociate so completely with doing the right thing? He doesn't know if he going to coach again. He loves baseball to his core. He got free college and even represented our country on the Olympic team. He is out there trying to teach kids about baseball and in a lot of ways, life. Yet to these "parents" if you can call them that, the paramount issue is not doing the right thing but doing the winning thing. Getting instant gratification, to hell with the costs.
Through it all, and I told him this, I feel it has been such a privilege to become his friend this year. He told me if he does come back he would take some stands to ensure some sanity. I think those would be good moves. I am so close to telling him that if he does come back to sign me on in whatever capacity he sees fit. I want to have this guys back.
I asked him how he kept his head up throughout this insane ordeal. He said he took a lot of comfort in his little boy and little girls love. His wife was always there for him. Told me there were some nights when he just talked with her from 2 to 5 a.m. I told him that I'm sure that helped a lot. At the worst point of it all, he told me that during his morning shave, he would look into the mirror and ask God, "Am I doing the right thing?" Some days he said the shaving cream would dry up before he shaved but he always came away with a shaved face and the knowledge that he was doing the right thing.
Everything is a metaphor for something else. How's that for vague? Maybe you don't need to shave your face, maybe you should consider it (sorry, couldn't resist), maybe you have a beard, I dunno. As you look into your grey, brown, green, hazel, blue,and any other combination thereof, are you doing the right thing? It's a good question to ask.
I think anything, and I mean anything in life is managable as long as you take responsibility for yourself and don't take on others problems and shortcomings. In the end, you are the beat and the melody and the composer of your lifes song. Make it a good one please. There are so many ears listening.
Lemme lay some RL on you. I teach, do you really? LOL, and have had the pleasure to get to know a person with whom I share some commonalities. This person was our baseball coach this year. Had a very successful year but had the unmitigated gall to suspend, for the remainder of the season, some of his best players because they were involved in some criminal activity. As a result they lost some games and quickly bowed out of the playoff picture. Maybe I'm nuts but I think he did the right thing.
How was this stand supported? A storm of controversy engulfed this man and his family. He was cursed during games, one drunken buffon threatened him physically after a game, and the piece de resistance? His 5 year old son answered the phone and was cursed for being his fathers son. Little guy went up to his dad and said, "Why did some man on the telephone call me*************"?
What goes through people that they dissociate so completely with doing the right thing? He doesn't know if he going to coach again. He loves baseball to his core. He got free college and even represented our country on the Olympic team. He is out there trying to teach kids about baseball and in a lot of ways, life. Yet to these "parents" if you can call them that, the paramount issue is not doing the right thing but doing the winning thing. Getting instant gratification, to hell with the costs.
Through it all, and I told him this, I feel it has been such a privilege to become his friend this year. He told me if he does come back he would take some stands to ensure some sanity. I think those would be good moves. I am so close to telling him that if he does come back to sign me on in whatever capacity he sees fit. I want to have this guys back.
I asked him how he kept his head up throughout this insane ordeal. He said he took a lot of comfort in his little boy and little girls love. His wife was always there for him. Told me there were some nights when he just talked with her from 2 to 5 a.m. I told him that I'm sure that helped a lot. At the worst point of it all, he told me that during his morning shave, he would look into the mirror and ask God, "Am I doing the right thing?" Some days he said the shaving cream would dry up before he shaved but he always came away with a shaved face and the knowledge that he was doing the right thing.
Everything is a metaphor for something else. How's that for vague? Maybe you don't need to shave your face, maybe you should consider it (sorry, couldn't resist), maybe you have a beard, I dunno. As you look into your grey, brown, green, hazel, blue,and any other combination thereof, are you doing the right thing? It's a good question to ask.
I think anything, and I mean anything in life is managable as long as you take responsibility for yourself and don't take on others problems and shortcomings. In the end, you are the beat and the melody and the composer of your lifes song. Make it a good one please. There are so many ears listening.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Time moves on but the memories are eternal
Our oldest son has been home ill the past two days. He is feeling much better now. When he is home alone, because he is a big 12 year old, I come home during my lunch to make sure he and the house is alright. I think this reassures both of us in a way. Reassures me in that he is ok and that he is taking the necessary steps to feel better. Reassures him in that I am always just a few minutes away and he is doing the right things.
As I arrived home, he was fast asleep on the couch. I sat by him on the ottoman and just took it all in. Our little guy has grown so big and is on the cusp of being a teenager. I was struck by how much his face still had that look he had when he was still in the crib and was fast asleep. As I stroked his hair and placed the blanket more snugly around his shoulders, he sighed the same exact sigh of contentment when he had finished nursing with Momma. God, that took me back about 4 light years to a smaller grey house in a beautiful little valley. What a gift life unfolds for us as we age.
As many of you know, I am a teacher. End of the year in my English class is poetry time. I do not consider myself a poet by any stretch of the imagination. I enjoy doing it with the students. We are currently looking at African poetic forms. Specifically African Praise Poetry. Here is a poem I wrote about the big guy who slept on my chest his first night home. As we both age and progress through life, I will look into his eyes, scan his profile and see that little person and her his measured breaths that were in perfect harmony with my own.
We did African Praise Poem today in English. Check out my Zachary poem
I wrote in front of the class to model....
Zachary
Carried in love by his Mother for 9 months
Caught by his father in a quick minute
Tan and many heritages
12 and tall as hell
Quiet as the breeze whispering
through the tall mountain pines
Lover of Games
Friend of Canines
Loves Music, Mom, and singing
Kind Soul, laughter and learning
he does rock :)
As I arrived home, he was fast asleep on the couch. I sat by him on the ottoman and just took it all in. Our little guy has grown so big and is on the cusp of being a teenager. I was struck by how much his face still had that look he had when he was still in the crib and was fast asleep. As I stroked his hair and placed the blanket more snugly around his shoulders, he sighed the same exact sigh of contentment when he had finished nursing with Momma. God, that took me back about 4 light years to a smaller grey house in a beautiful little valley. What a gift life unfolds for us as we age.
As many of you know, I am a teacher. End of the year in my English class is poetry time. I do not consider myself a poet by any stretch of the imagination. I enjoy doing it with the students. We are currently looking at African poetic forms. Specifically African Praise Poetry. Here is a poem I wrote about the big guy who slept on my chest his first night home. As we both age and progress through life, I will look into his eyes, scan his profile and see that little person and her his measured breaths that were in perfect harmony with my own.
We did African Praise Poem today in English. Check out my Zachary poem
I wrote in front of the class to model....
Zachary
Carried in love by his Mother for 9 months
Caught by his father in a quick minute
Tan and many heritages
12 and tall as hell
Quiet as the breeze whispering
through the tall mountain pines
Lover of Games
Friend of Canines
Loves Music, Mom, and singing
Kind Soul, laughter and learning
he does rock :)
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Boy am I.....
SPENT!!
I am very tired on a lot of levels these days. I have taken some deserved smack talk for not blogging in so long, so this is what you get.
Teaching is a weird way of life. Your body does get in some weird 9 month cycle. Not that everything turns shiny on the last day of school, you just move into another realm of activity.
In my 14, damn thats a career!!, of teaching I have never been this tired at this point of this year. Everyone feels worn out at this stage of the game, that is to be expected. I just feel spent. I feel tired constantly and yearn for lack of contact with people from my chosen profession. Don't say I'm burnt out cause it doesn't feel that way.
The most tiring thing about teaching high school is not the students, its their parents!! OMG, i was reading a report that detailed a students prenatal care when they were in vitro and right there it said, smoked two packs of cigarettes daily throughout the pregnancy! How f'ed up is that? Or the parent that I have had well over 90 plus phone calls, emails since early winter. I feel like I'm this persons therapist. And at no charge. Jeez.....
May 23rd is our last "official day" of this 2007 - 2008 school year. I don't care where you are on 5/23 but listen quietly at 2:20 PST and you will hear me scream with unbridled joy!! Plus I'll write more then :)..
I am very tired on a lot of levels these days. I have taken some deserved smack talk for not blogging in so long, so this is what you get.
Teaching is a weird way of life. Your body does get in some weird 9 month cycle. Not that everything turns shiny on the last day of school, you just move into another realm of activity.
In my 14, damn thats a career!!, of teaching I have never been this tired at this point of this year. Everyone feels worn out at this stage of the game, that is to be expected. I just feel spent. I feel tired constantly and yearn for lack of contact with people from my chosen profession. Don't say I'm burnt out cause it doesn't feel that way.
The most tiring thing about teaching high school is not the students, its their parents!! OMG, i was reading a report that detailed a students prenatal care when they were in vitro and right there it said, smoked two packs of cigarettes daily throughout the pregnancy! How f'ed up is that? Or the parent that I have had well over 90 plus phone calls, emails since early winter. I feel like I'm this persons therapist. And at no charge. Jeez.....
May 23rd is our last "official day" of this 2007 - 2008 school year. I don't care where you are on 5/23 but listen quietly at 2:20 PST and you will hear me scream with unbridled joy!! Plus I'll write more then :)..
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Things I haven't seen in SL and why not? LOL
I was talking to a gifted writer earlier today and they related that SL is important to them bc their upbringing was filled with love and tenderness but a bit lacking in adventure. Having the love is paramount but you can not sell youthful adventure short. I, on the other hand, had our family's variation of love. Yeah, it was love. Mostly, as I progressed through the teens and early adulthood, I opted for adventure and ultimately minimal accountability.
Some things I did or happened to me whilst I was a free agent. This list is not all inclusive and hopefully is generally humorous...
Weirdest artistic variation: Years ago, my sister and I saw a performance artist expel canned yams from her cavity. Thank heavens we were not in the front row. To this day, I can't remember if I was laughing or screaming during this "performance". BTW, the yams were still not in the can!!
Gnarliest/Most deranged physical risk taking (multiple occasions: I lived in Hawaii for a bit short of three years. It was not a period of profound personal growth, if you catch my drift. Not a lot to do on the North Shore, so you work at night and recreate during daylight. Once I became acclimated to the speed and power of the surf I took some, in hindsight, ridiculously foolish chances with this life. Surfed big winter waves high on acid about twenty times. It was incredible, I was told I was "on". Years later my aforementioned sister had a psychic reading and was told that our deceased oldest sister served as my guardian angel. When I connect with her I owe her a major apology.
Most terrified: Early adulthood, at least chronologically. Was way down in Mexico near the border of Guatemala. Was at a checkpoint heading to a nearby rivermouth for some waves and some cheap fish for dinner. Ran into an ill-tempered crew of Federales that I imagine had been drinking the better part of the day. Ordered out of our vechicle, at gunpoint, ushered into a adjacent cantina. Wrong place, wrong time scenario in full effect. During the course of our encounter I had a M-16 leveled directly at my chest with a glaring drunk Federale sweaty finger on the trigger. Seemed like the encounter lasted forever, money was exchanged, cerveza was provided for the local law enforcement crew and we were excused. Still remmeber the feel of that same sweaty paw patting the top of my head like I was four years old and the burst of hysterical laughter that came from the cantina as we hurriedly entered the landcruiser to get the fuck out of there! Silent ride to the rivermouth. Upon arrival there, I just got out and walked down the beach about 300 yards and sat down and cried. Sometimes you can come close to a wild time being your last time. Thank you big sis in another world. Ok, this one should really not be available in SL or at last should come with a waiver and counseling.
SL is full of surprises also too! I never imagined the feminine side of Borday.:) I do relate to Crighton differently when Aeryn is in the house. It's true! The good thing about SL is that it is not life and death and it far more controllable. Escape, if needed, is just a click away. To me, IMHO, RL still has a jolt that SL does not. Life is full of trade offs, y'know?
I don't think I'd want my kids to experience these harrowing occurances in anything but SL. I don't know what else to say. Going back to that memory still rattles me...... This blog is done guys...
Some things I did or happened to me whilst I was a free agent. This list is not all inclusive and hopefully is generally humorous...
Weirdest artistic variation: Years ago, my sister and I saw a performance artist expel canned yams from her cavity. Thank heavens we were not in the front row. To this day, I can't remember if I was laughing or screaming during this "performance". BTW, the yams were still not in the can!!
Gnarliest/Most deranged physical risk taking (multiple occasions: I lived in Hawaii for a bit short of three years. It was not a period of profound personal growth, if you catch my drift. Not a lot to do on the North Shore, so you work at night and recreate during daylight. Once I became acclimated to the speed and power of the surf I took some, in hindsight, ridiculously foolish chances with this life. Surfed big winter waves high on acid about twenty times. It was incredible, I was told I was "on". Years later my aforementioned sister had a psychic reading and was told that our deceased oldest sister served as my guardian angel. When I connect with her I owe her a major apology.
Most terrified: Early adulthood, at least chronologically. Was way down in Mexico near the border of Guatemala. Was at a checkpoint heading to a nearby rivermouth for some waves and some cheap fish for dinner. Ran into an ill-tempered crew of Federales that I imagine had been drinking the better part of the day. Ordered out of our vechicle, at gunpoint, ushered into a adjacent cantina. Wrong place, wrong time scenario in full effect. During the course of our encounter I had a M-16 leveled directly at my chest with a glaring drunk Federale sweaty finger on the trigger. Seemed like the encounter lasted forever, money was exchanged, cerveza was provided for the local law enforcement crew and we were excused. Still remmeber the feel of that same sweaty paw patting the top of my head like I was four years old and the burst of hysterical laughter that came from the cantina as we hurriedly entered the landcruiser to get the fuck out of there! Silent ride to the rivermouth. Upon arrival there, I just got out and walked down the beach about 300 yards and sat down and cried. Sometimes you can come close to a wild time being your last time. Thank you big sis in another world. Ok, this one should really not be available in SL or at last should come with a waiver and counseling.
SL is full of surprises also too! I never imagined the feminine side of Borday.:) I do relate to Crighton differently when Aeryn is in the house. It's true! The good thing about SL is that it is not life and death and it far more controllable. Escape, if needed, is just a click away. To me, IMHO, RL still has a jolt that SL does not. Life is full of trade offs, y'know?
I don't think I'd want my kids to experience these harrowing occurances in anything but SL. I don't know what else to say. Going back to that memory still rattles me...... This blog is done guys...
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Power of Music
It is a force! Good and evil, yes indeed. A tool for inspiration and tool for manipulation. But crime prevention? I offer you this tidbit......
Officials in Sydney, Australia, attempted to discourage hooligans from gathering at night in parking lots by playing loud Barry Manilow music. The hooligans stayed away, but the residents were miserable.
Source: Useless information calendar, April 4, 2008
In this country this would have resulted in a media circus, a court injunction by the ACLU and a full scale invasion by the Fanilows. Next internet search: immigration process to Australia.
Officials in Sydney, Australia, attempted to discourage hooligans from gathering at night in parking lots by playing loud Barry Manilow music. The hooligans stayed away, but the residents were miserable.
Source: Useless information calendar, April 4, 2008
In this country this would have resulted in a media circus, a court injunction by the ACLU and a full scale invasion by the Fanilows. Next internet search: immigration process to Australia.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
The importance of Beauty
Well, I have been away from this blog for awhile. Nothing purposeful, just a little writer's block. Just figured I'd wait around till something came to me. It did of course.
My 10 year old son has entered a you tube phase. This coincided with a continuation of a concurrent Red Hot Chili Peppers phase. All in all, he is a pretty happenin 4th grader, but I'm biased:).
So he is searching the you tube collection of RHCP videos, real and independent in origin and we, since I was sitting by him at this point, came across this gem. It is a indie video of the song, Slow Cheetah..........
Take the time to watch this video. It's not a performance video by the band, it is a young filmmakers interpretation of the lyrical content of the song itself. It is definately worth a check and refreshing that others
As I have told you in the past, I work with high school students. Boy this video hit home. So many of the females in this age range, hell in all age ranges in our society try to measure up to some contrived perception of what true feminine beauty is. What is true beauty? We don't have rigid guidelines telling us what photos are worthy of us loving or what paintings should move us,do we? An interesting disconnect and a sad one also.
As a 19 year old I spent about 4 months in New Zealand surfing. You are right, life was hell;). One thing struck me was that women there seemed way more comfortable than there American sisters who torment themselves on a daily basis. I was also struck by the paucity of a concerted media bombardment saying if you aren't this well you just aren't!! That always stuck with me.
I am fortunate to live with two incredibly beautiful females. One is my brown-blonde blue eyed beauty: also known as my wife. Female #2 is a brunette with an avalanche of brown curls that surround the sweetest face a four year old girl could have,also known as my daughter. I make it a point to tell these two stunners how beautiful I think they are as many times a day that I can because I have to attempt to fight the dominant paradigm as daunting as that might be. I hope you also do likewise.
Before I close I want to also address this additional observation I have made. I have known several women that fit in the rare contrived model of what our society deems as beautiful. They likewise face pressures of the sort I could not imagine. How to maintain, its all going away so soon, etc. Generally, they have not been a very content group in many fundamental ways.
Why can't the media just stop being so misogynistic toward females? I really don't get it. This perpetual cycle of abuse cuts across age, race and all other divides. I just don't get it.
My 10 year old son has entered a you tube phase. This coincided with a continuation of a concurrent Red Hot Chili Peppers phase. All in all, he is a pretty happenin 4th grader, but I'm biased:).
So he is searching the you tube collection of RHCP videos, real and independent in origin and we, since I was sitting by him at this point, came across this gem. It is a indie video of the song, Slow Cheetah..........
Take the time to watch this video. It's not a performance video by the band, it is a young filmmakers interpretation of the lyrical content of the song itself. It is definately worth a check and refreshing that others
As I have told you in the past, I work with high school students. Boy this video hit home. So many of the females in this age range, hell in all age ranges in our society try to measure up to some contrived perception of what true feminine beauty is. What is true beauty? We don't have rigid guidelines telling us what photos are worthy of us loving or what paintings should move us,do we? An interesting disconnect and a sad one also.
As a 19 year old I spent about 4 months in New Zealand surfing. You are right, life was hell;). One thing struck me was that women there seemed way more comfortable than there American sisters who torment themselves on a daily basis. I was also struck by the paucity of a concerted media bombardment saying if you aren't this well you just aren't!! That always stuck with me.
I am fortunate to live with two incredibly beautiful females. One is my brown-blonde blue eyed beauty: also known as my wife. Female #2 is a brunette with an avalanche of brown curls that surround the sweetest face a four year old girl could have,also known as my daughter. I make it a point to tell these two stunners how beautiful I think they are as many times a day that I can because I have to attempt to fight the dominant paradigm as daunting as that might be. I hope you also do likewise.
Before I close I want to also address this additional observation I have made. I have known several women that fit in the rare contrived model of what our society deems as beautiful. They likewise face pressures of the sort I could not imagine. How to maintain, its all going away so soon, etc. Generally, they have not been a very content group in many fundamental ways.
Why can't the media just stop being so misogynistic toward females? I really don't get it. This perpetual cycle of abuse cuts across age, race and all other divides. I just don't get it.
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